yesterday i wrote adam an email titled "if there is a tumor in the anterior love, what space could it eventually occupy?" was actually supposed to be anterior lobe, but noticed too late.

i don't think i am feeling anything really. he has not left yet so i have not completely hurt yet. i mean i am hurting but with him still around it does not quite feel real yet. there is a feeling of finality stepping out of the bathtub or driving to work, but at night i can still feel his warmth through the quilts and when he sleeps he unknowingly throws an arm over me.

hate sharing laughter and moments, we are still sharing laughter and moments, and suddenly feeling a panic of this is the last and it is ending ending ending.

hate feeling like he still loves me, like there's still too much right to call it all wrong. hate that when i asked him if there was anything i could say to make him change his mind he said "i don't know" instead of "no."

i am losing him. i have lost him. i don't know, i have gone about things all wrong. everything feels all wrong.