my mom put money in my account for my birthday to
buy myself the steamer i've always wanted. i went
to the mall and it was on sale so i had enough to
get a sweater, jeans, and a pair of much reduced
boots, too. they are black and their heels much
higher than my usual, but they felt comfortable and
i wanted something tough so why not. i've felt so
spendy lately although most of my purchases are shop
supplies - it still feels extravagant at times. i've
felt a little loose lately with checks from wholesale
orders arriving after months of being on the verge of
wondering if i'd be able to afford groceries soon and
just one more night of beans. but time to tighten up
again. there are bills, there is debt, regrettable
student loans.

when i came home m and i fought and fought. i knew we
would since i could feel it brewing over the past few days
and i knew he was waiting for something to pick one over.
then suddenly he's reminded that i'm not good
enough, all the ways i fail him and never measure up. it's
4 am and i'll sleep on the couch if at all.

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