i've already eaten too many calories today, but all i want now is a big bowl of tuna fish salad. with onions and pickles. and the last sierra nevada in the fridge. it seems i can never get it right. if i'm exercising then i'm eating too much. if i get my eating under control then i'm not working out. when i get paid this week i'm gonna get some healthy groceries and try to avoid the carbs for a while. i've already lost 5 lbs since starting my job just from not sitting around stitching 24/7, so i want to take advantage of the momentum. but right now i have pms and i'm bloated from last night's veggie chilli and feel as big as a house.

wednesday i have an interview for a full-time position at the library and i'm already nervous. i have a feeling i'll probably get it, but i'm trying not to get my hopes up too high just in case. i've been thinking a lot about this move from self-employment to a possible career lately. i do feel a bit of sadness to leave it behind (though i won't completely) and slightly mourn the loss of control i'll have over my schedule, but am mostly relieved and excited even. i don't mind my time at the library and i think it's been good for me to get out of the house and more social interaction has lifted my spirits. my co-workers are nice people and i enjoy our regular patrons. today my old boss from my first job out of library school, a small shelving gig at a tiny little branch, came in - she's retired now - and in a way it almost felt like a sign to see her then even though i'm not one for that sort of thing.

for some reason thoughts of my own days of retirement have crossed my mind lately. i don't think i've ever given much thought to my golden years and how i'd like to spend them. seems like i've always been more focused on age prevention creams and stretching the days of my youth - something that's a mixture of beauty and fashion magazines and being a late bloomer who feels she has to make the best use of the last bit of youth that wasn't wasted on sadness and crippling insecurities. i think it started from petting the sheep at the state fair and imagining a country house and spinning my own yarn. which i'll probably never do. i'll probably never have the opportunity or financial security to retire, to be honest, but it's a new thing for me to feel a sudden peace with that stage of my life to come.

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